Second Guessing
Making yourself wrong
--
As the sounds of the night’s quiet hum keep me company ,
These times are reflective,
And the mirror shows me what
I was, not what I will be.
The time alone has been
Bringing uncertainty.
A shift between then and now
Becomes muddled as I
Step back into our muddled
halls. The empty walls are asking me why I left,
And took our child with me.
But years of reason glared me in the face, as time healed nothing, but wedged a deep divide,
Which became a cliff dropping off away from all hope. It was a slow and steady dropping away.
I am not perfection.
I have been told that time and time again.
Weight gathered around my center,
Hair in a permanent state of disarray.
I was never really good enough at anything.
‘Pay the price” the theme which told me there would always be a steep price to pay.
Seventeen years of climbing up
A steep mountain,
Grasping at straws, holding onto
A piece of paper, a vow of forever.
I lost who I thought I was,
I was made a child, a thing to be tossed aside, forgettable, disappointing,
As I also was disappointed that dreams of forever after
Did not include ‘happily’.
I was wrong about a lot,
But we could have been right together.
Marriage and parenting is a team effort,
A united front,
Not a disagreement which leaves a child to navigate disfunction.
Did I wait too long,
Because there was love and moments when things
Were in sinc- and I lost my backbone?
A promise made before God was to honor and cherish.
